You might be able to put up with the blandness, unpleasant weather, excessive crime, limited opportunity, and everything else gone wrong in Arizona, but you have to be wondering how you are going to manage to make it out alive having to constantly deal with these drifting, despicable creatures who also call Arizona home? Unfortunately, I am referring to the human beings who barely manage to exist out here and not the assortment of roaches, spiders, snakes, termites, scorpions, and our other fun filled desert friends who are also waiting to ruin your day. Arizona residents are really something else and they aren’t afraid of showing it, or maybe it could be that they just don’t care how stupid they habitually make themselves and those associated with them look. It is this fanatical collection of individuals out here that will really make you wonder where everything in the world went terribly wrong.
Moving to Arizona is a culture shock to many as they quickly realize the culture out here is tied to drugs, drinking, lifted trucks, immaturity, and simply getting by. If you want to spend the rest of your years as if you were still in the frat house while rocking Tommy Bahama flower print shirts, drinking Bud Lights by the pool all day, and banging desperate coke fiends then Arizona really might be the place for you. If you have even the slightest yearning to get ahead, want to know your neighbors, desire real friendships & relationships, or want to make more than 35K a year, then you probably want to avoid the state of Arizona at all costs. If you actually can refer to yourself as a mature, planning-for-the-future, and responsible adult with dreams and aspirations then moving to Arizona will be a challenge for you as it will be next to impossible for you to fit in with all the social misfits, habitual drunks, lethargic co-workers, nameless neighbors, and all the other abnormal social groups out here. You will be frustrated, bored, and shocked at how so many people can be so appalling in Arizona. And here might be why…..
Arizona’s population is described by many to be soulless, fake, conceited, replaceable, unsociable, snobby, gullible, incompetent, insecure, lazy, cowardly, empty, selfish, superficial, judgmental, rude, irrational, know-it-all, slobs, deadbeats, useless, con-artists … in short, a wicked conglomeration of some of the worst this fine country (and Mexico) has to offer. You will encounter a part of all that has gone wrong with humankind in every aspect of your life in Arizona.
Clueless Co-workers – somehow you might actually have one of the few jobs left out here. It probably isn’t a great job, but it gets you by at least until you are able to escape this landfill we call Arizona. You will quickly and regrettably learn that you don’t have a chance in hell of getting ahead with this Arizona organization by working hard, putting in long hours when needed, and sharing your ideas to save the organization time and money, while improving processes. In Arizona, you advance your career through happy hours that end up lasting until the bars close, sleeping around with your superiors, joining the office Fantasy Baseball league, and black mail. Hard work doesn’t pay out here and just spend a few hours working out here and you will soon realize how crystal clear this is. People out here are lazy, they show up late, take a lot of sick days, drink a lot of coffee, and spend most of their time dicking around while at work. Mondays are spent sharing stories about how black out drunk everyone got over the weekend and who they slept with (this holds true for the married with kids, 40 plus crew too). Tuesday through Thursdays are usually all about catching up on the social networking sites or seeing what is new on Youtube. Thursdays come around and all day is spent planning where to head for happy hour that night and which place has the best Corona specials. If you move to Arizona, make sure you remember that Corona is a premium beverage out here and should be ordered whenever it is available. Friday mornings arrive too soon with a nasty hangover which quickly subsides once the talk of who is drinking what and where that night and what is going on Saturday night begins. Every week is the same out here folks, well unless there is a holiday weekend and then there will be even more drinking stories going around. Arizona is a great place if you have no real credentials, just want to work a dead end job, do the bare minimum, meet new drinking buddies, and are happy just getting by. Want to advance a career or get a career off the ground – avoid Arizona at all costs or be prepared to spend a lot of time at happy hour or on your knees in some nutjob’s office.
Nameless Neighbors – Arizona is one of those rare places where nobody knows their neighbors or wants to get to know their neighbors. You might think this is normal in a rural area where houses are miles apart and in a situation such as that, it might just be. However, in metropolitan Phoenix almost every single house is less than 10 feet away from the next house and you would think neighborly encounters would be quite frequent. However, Arizona residents are famous for running inside to avoid human contact at all costs, and because it is just downright unsafe to be outside for half the year out here. Block walls enclose every yard making it even easier for residents to hide out and avoid being exposed. Everyone can probably agree that there is always a situation that comes up where it is nice to know you can rely on your neighbors if you need to. Most people out here would never even considering helping out a neighbor by house sitting while they are away or watching their kids during an emergency. Even just collecting your mail for you while you are on vacation is just too much to ask of most people in Arizona. People in Arizona are too selfish, lazy, and many actually believe they are too important to help out another. After moving to an Arizona subdivision, don’t wait around to be welcomed by cookies and a meet-and-greet with your neighbors. The real welcoming will come when you go out to see a movie a couple weeks later and return to find out your neighbors hijacked your newly planted palm trees and Christmas decorations. Neighborhood Watch in Arizona pretty much equates to your neighbors surveying what high value possessions are delivered to your house, and then attempting to steal them from you while you are gone.
Drunk in Public – it really is no secret that there isn’t a lot going on in Arizona. There is nothing to do and most of the time it is too hot to even venture outside. So, what do most people in Arizona do? They drink, and they drink, and they drink. Drinking is extremely popular in Arizona amongst all age groups, demographics, and is done religiously at least four days a week by many. Watching Arizona locals in their natural habitat of the restaurants and bars with the cheapest happy hour can be closely linked to a weekend trip to your local zoo. These animals are loud, obnoxious, and aren’t afraid of showing you it all. Literally. There is nothing like watching people who graduated college decades ago falling over themselves, pounding shots, yelling across a family restaurant, vomiting in bushes, and doing body shots at the bar. These people have no shame and it shows. Unfortunately, if you just want a nice, reasonably quiet meal with your family or friends, then you probably need to stay home, scour the area for a place that doesn’t serve alcohol, or head across state lines. Whenever there is alcohol involved, the people in Arizona become even crazier and you never know how far they are going to take it.
Tough Guy Façade – you know, I really can’t tell if it is all the lifted trucks, skull/flame tattoos, or the lame Ed Hardy shirts out here, but we have a lot of people marching around with a tough guy front for no good reason. Arizona is one of those rare places where you will end up in random confrontations for just going about your business as usual. As cowardly and unsociable as so many are in Arizona, it is surprising to see how many locals will go around looking for fights and will get in someone’s face just for the amusement factor or to look tough in front of their buddies. You will frequently witness parking lot road rage, bar brawls, shopping cart angst, homeless harassment, customer service disputes over nothing, and people who go to absolute extreme measures to let someone know if they were accidentally bumped into. It is really hard to determine what makes so many people in Arizona act out for no good reason, but my guess is it is just frustration about being stuck in the Nation’s cesspool. The worst part about all this is that you never know which one of these lunatics has no reason to live, is carrying, and will not hesitate to shoot you because you beat him to a parking spot.
Communication Breakdown – do you like discussing current events, the future, or really anything that requires analyzing the facts, thinking logically, and drawing conclusions? Good luck. Try talking about current events, education, or just about anything else and watch the blank stares you get from these zombies or how quick they are to blurt some stupid, non-sense out as if they are a longtime expert on the subject. Have you ever noticed whenever you ask someone a question out here or offer some sort of realistic solution to a problem they will just stand there and blankly stare you down? Or have you had them just start laughing hysterically at the most inappropriate times? You have just experienced the local Arizona dialect which can be pretty frightening at first. People out here are terrible at thinking in general, expressing their thoughts rationally, and tend to usually say (without thinking) the dumbest, most immature, and inappropriate thing that crosses their minds. All people in Arizona really want to know from you is what kind of car you drive, how many square feet is your home, how much you get paid per hour at work, favorite beer (better be Corona), and how quick you put out. Anything else, don’t even bother.
Luxurious Delusion – phonies, fakes, frauds, wannabes, 30K millionaires, or those on the continual quest for handouts. Whatever you want to call them, Arizona is filled with some of the most delusional people around. Most out here are barely scraping by, but material possessions are still king in Arizona. You will be judged on the size of your house, type of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and anything else you own or lease. It is really like being in high school all over again and lucky for you, most people out here still act like they are 15 years old. Nothing is worse than listening to these people who believe they are owed the luxury car and huge house, but they don’t want to put in any of the time or hard work. There is so little to do out here that it leads to this childish competition and the culture of Arizona has become focused on constantly outdoing anyone else whether it is cars, boats, clothes, landscaping, homes or anything else. Just watch how quick your neighbors show up with a more luxurious car, which they can’t even afford, after you decide to upgrade your own car. Ever wonder why the housing crash was so horrendous in Phoenix? The simple answer is people with no money buying houses they could never even dream of affording – the Arizona way!
The Clueless, Careless, & Hopeless – better known to many of us as Arizona’s population that is out-of-touch with reality, or a lethal combination of our resident elderly, meth heads, and Natives. These people either don’t seem to understand that Arizona is not how life was ever supposed to be, they just don’t care anymore, or they are on enough drugs to turn this desert habitat into a tropical paradise within their minds. The only ones who might have an excuse are Arizona’s Natives since it is highly possible and unfortunate for them that they know no better. It is easiest just to let the drug aficionados throw their lives away in a corner somewhere, as long as they don’t get in your way while doing so. It is Arizona’s immense elderly population which poses a hidden, unknown danger for anyone trying to start a life and family out here. In general, the majority of the elderly population out here have done their time, raised their families, and are now retired from their jobs. They could care less about the state’s budget crisis, how bad the schools are, and don’t really want to improve anything. They simply want to sun bathe outside of their trailer, go to their casinos, and be left alone. They are against tax increases to improve schools, improve the roads, or to improve anything thing else in this quickly deteriorating state. As long as it doesn’t rain and the local grocery store remains open, these older people are as happy as can be. Dealings with any of these three groups of people are best avoided as much as possible for your own sanity.
Fading Friendships – Arizona is obviously not a state recommended moving to if you wanted to form any meaningful, long-lasting friendships or relationships. People out here are shady, outlandish, and are really only concerned with themselves. If you are a nice, friendly, and generous person then you will probably end up lied to and taken advantage of by some of the many parasites out here who are simply waiting for their next victim. You will be somebody’s best friend as long as you can provide whatever they need at that given moment whether it is drugs, car rides, a couch to sleep on, chicken wings, blowjobs, career support, alcohol, and the list goes on and on. As soon as these people no longer need your help, watch how quick they will vanish from your lives. Friendships in Arizona are formed for one reason only and that is self-advancement.
A lot of people refer to Arizona as a dead end state and that is a point that is pretty hard to argue with. Arizona is a place a lot of people come to as a last resort, a place to hide from their past, a place to fake it until someone catches on, a place to play make believe, or as a place where their immature games and absurdity will fit in with the rest of the greater population. People in Arizona are a rare breed and anyone with a shred of normalcy will have a tough time making it in Arizona. As for everyone else in Arizona, the extreme heat ends up forming some sort of indestructible bond between those people who share the common belief system of just getting by. Those people who do show up at Arizona’s door with hopes, dreams, and even just a touch of class will end up getting left behind in the desert. It is hard to form real friendships or relationships out here as everyone is out for themselves and will use anyone or anything to make a quick buck or get a free ride. It is easy to feel lost, bothered, and hopeless out here in Arizona as you are surrounded by idiots at your job, in your neighborhood, out and about, on the roads, and anywhere else life may take you across Arizona. Moving away is the only sure way you can escape from these foolish, brainless, and juvenile monsters. One thing is for sure – the people out here are certainly unique! You can’t argue that.